


Bodyguard

by GuesssWho



Category: The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Bar fights, Gen, Second-Hand Stories, Semi-Cannibalistic Tendencies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-25
Updated: 2015-01-25
Packaged: 2018-03-09 00:47:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3229940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GuesssWho/pseuds/GuesssWho
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Smeagol is very protective of nice Frodo.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bodyguard

No one could pinpoint when the unofficial job of Frodo's bodyguard was passed from Samwise to Gollum, but everyone was certain it had happened. It was hard to deny, what with the pale lithe creature following him everywhere like a rather disturbing guard dog. Anyone strange who got too close to Frodo would get snapped at, with plenty of creepy muttering about what the offender might taste like.

It said something about the average intelligence of thugs that anyone even thought about hassling them, but there were a few occasions that it did happen. The most unpleasant and therefore well-known incident, which (of course) involved Ted Sandyman, was still being talked about in the Shire long after everyone there but Smeagol himself was long since dust.

The story, such as it was, tended to go something like this:

"You know that strange little person that lives down by the stream? He stopped a murder attempt once!

"Really he did. It was back when he first arrived in the Shire, with Frodo Baggins himself--I don't know how old the poor fellow is, but he's barely aged since then so it must be quite a while indeed.

"Well, there was a hobbit named Ted who was the miller's son, and he got it into his head that the brigands that invaded that year had the right idea. They built a new mill, see, and that was good enough for Ted. So he right resented the Travelers, he did, and one day he's been drinking rather heavily when they come into the Green Dragon and sit down not too far away.

"So up comes Ted and starts telling them off--which was plum stupid and probably counts as assisted suicide, since they've been around the world and fought in famous battles and suchlike. But they're not armed or anything, and Ted is very drunk, so he thinks he can take them.

"'Look et the conkuring 'eroes,' slurs he, and he grabs a knife and starts waving it round like an imbecile. Which was likely to have gone bad for him in any case, but he goes fer Frodo and Gollum jumps out from under the damn table where he'd been hiding--he ain't so good with bring lights even now, and it's been decades since then.

"Gollum bites his ankle, and have you ever seen Gollum's teeth? He's only got a handful left, but I swear he uses a whetstone on them, because they're sharper than daggers. I've seen him bite through leather. So he bites Ted's ankle and the ankle just sort of flops around, cuz those fangs sheared through the tendons.

"Ted falls over, but Gollum isn't about to let him up. He grabs Ted's neck and starts choking him, just enough that he can't think straight. Ted panics and throws the knife at Pippin, and nicks him just enough that Gollum gets really mad.

"Bad things happen when he gets mad. Remember a few years back, when some idiot tried chopping down the pretty tree at Bag End? Well that has nothing on how he gets when 'our hobbitses' are threatened. It's a good thing the Shire is a peaceful place, so no one he likes has been in danger in a long time, because when Ted did that . . . well, they never found Ted's other eye, three fingers, or the tip of his nose. And he walked with a crutch for the rest of his life.

"No one else was ever so dumb as to do that, let me tell you. Which is a good thing, because if you mention Ted the miller's son to Gollum himself he generally licks his lips, and I'm pretty sure I know where those fingers went."

At the end of that story someone always shudders, and someone else connects the story to Bilbo's story about nearly being eaten in the goblin tunnels, and things devolve from there. If anyone ever bothered to ask Smeagol about it, though, he'd just shrug. "We likeses Frodo, Precious," he'd say. "Frodo saved usss. Mean Ted was trying to hurt nice Frodo, we protected Frodo.

"Story bes wrong anyway," he'd add. "Mean Ted had no face left when we was done. Hobbitses _is_ sscrumptiousss, Precious, fat Sam had to pull usss off him."

. . . this may explain why no one has been brave enough to ask.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the sort of thing I imagine happening if Smeagol was brought back to the Shire.
> 
> Other things I imagine happening, and should probably write up someday, include: it being officially decided that Smeagol looks even weirder when wearing clothes, Smeagol missing his old cave, abject bewilderment at concepts like beer and smoking, having to explain toothbrushes baths and bedding.


End file.
